A LOST FRIEND

I was recently “unfriended” by a friend on Facebook. That means I no longer receive news of this friend’s activities, at least on Facebook. I deeply regret this.

We had a dispute, a dispute over politics. We disagreed on a point of view, on some things that were posted on Facebook.

Words can hurt. Adults know that, kids sometimes take a while to learn that. When we say something publically, as on Facebook, that is hurtful to another person, it is out there for the entire world to see. Hence, it is difficult to take back any such comment. In a private conversation, one might apologize for a careless comment; this is more difficult in the age of Internet discourse. Unfortunately, also, our society’s hardened political ideology has divided us to the point that civil discourse, especially disagreement, can no longer take place.

Words can sooth but they can also inflame. Politicians know this. Dictators know this. Propagandists know this. Hate mongers know this. Anyone who wants to incite people to action or inaction resorts to words, carefully chosen words, words that will have the desired effect and produce the desired result.

We all learn to be careful about what we say or how we say it, especially when what we say may be for public consumption. But sometimes our emotions get the better of our minds and we misspeak or, at least, say things that would better be unsaid. We may be tired, we may be weary of the surroundings in which we find ourselves, or we may be influenced by the voices of a closed set of closed minds. (Don’t we all prefer to seek the company and comments of those with whom we agree?) As we age, though, we learn to speak our minds, especially among friends, without being overtly offensive or disagreeable.

Yes, friends can disagree. In fact, good friends do often disagree. Such friends make our lives interesting, they open us to different perspectives, different experiences, and, if we will allow, new ideas we might not otherwise consider. We are encouraged by our friends and challenged by them. We know them as caring, intelligent people with whom we have much in common, so we find it worthwhile to consider their “different” point of view, as we expect them to consider ours.

Children may pout and vow never to speak to each other again, the “if you don’t like it I will take my ball and go home” attitude. Adults may be hurt, and say so, but they respect each other too much (usually) to let a careless word or phrase ruin a valued friendship.

I very much regret that I apparently have lost a friend, a friend I admire and respect.

One of the nicer things about writing, even on Facebook, is that you can pause and think about what you have said before clicking the Send button. It is easier during that important pause to remove or reword comments that others may view as offensive, derisive, or sarcastic. We should always review critical comments on personal or national events before they are broadcast to the world. Writing, versus the spoken word, allows us to do that.

Beliefs are not facts. Nevertheless, our beliefs are important to us. When the critical or inflammatory remarks of others challenge those beliefs, our nature is to respond. We should expect that and welcome it, for from such responses comes intelligent discussion and growth.

Hence, I invite all of you, including my former “friend” to challenge my thoughts, disagree if you must, but offer me material to “chew on,” to grow in my understanding of what you believe. You have a unique life, a unique set of experiences that may well provide me with a view I cannot otherwise know. I value and welcome that.