READING THE NEWSPAPER

Reading the news can be either depressing or funny – depending on your frame of mind. I choose to look for the entertaining rather than the despair. I know that makes me neither a good Republican nor Democrat, since either label requires me to find something discouraging about the actions or accusations by members of the other party. I suppose it also labels me as a poor citizen since I do not get upset over the reports of crime, accidents, unemployment, impending weather disasters, or same-sex marriages.

Don’t get me wrong. All such reports, along with the latest casualty report from Afghanistan, failing crops in some part of the country, homeless families at this time of year, lost wages due to layoffs, and other sorrowful events that affect the lives of people concern me. I recognize, however, that wars and rumors of wars have always been with us, that the poor will always be with us, that powerful politicians are corrupt, and that I cannot do much about any of these.

So I read the newspaper with the keen knowledge that only the bad news is reported and that it is up to me to find the good, if not humorous, news by reading between the lines.

One of the first things I noticed when I picked up the front page of the Orlando Sentinel this morning was a front-page story with the headline “Want to be a cop? Clean up your Web profile.” The article points out that, “as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube become more pervasive in daily life – personal or private – law enforcement recruiters are digging through applicants’ social networking sites for signs of behavior unbecoming an officer.” Think about that. What you write in your social networking site can and will be held against you when you make application to become a law enforcement officer. Now that is a twist on the Miranda rights wouldn’t you agree? I found it funny.

The clue for 18 across in this morning’s crossword puzzle was Political Corruption, a five-letter word. I knew the answer, Graft, but my first thought made me smile as I considered the possibility that the phrase “political corruption” was redundant. (Cynics have much more fun than the straight-laced, dogmatic.)

I got many chuckles out of the article titled “Rats replacing Fido as land mine detectors.” It seems that researchers in Bogota, Columbia have trained rats to detect mines buried up to three feet. “The rats are conditioned to search and burrow for explosives in exchange for the reward of sugar,” the article reported. Further, “Unlike dogs,” the author informs, “rats are light enough to keep from detonating explosives. And researchers have found that the rodents are more adept than dogs at sensing explosives when the materials have been masked with coffee grounds, feces, fish, mercury and other substances.” In other words, they are good at digging through filth, like some Fox News pundits I know.

Luisa Fernanda Mendez, a civilian behavioral veterinarian in charge of the rat project said that like dogs, rats can be trained to obey commands such as “search,” “stop,” and “let’s go.” That’s when I started laughing. Why stop there, I thought. Let’s teach them to “sit,” “roll over,” “play dead,” and “shake” then we will have the ultimate miniature pet. Forget the miniature poodle, or the Chihuahua, let’s all get a house rat for companionship. I bet they can even be trained to set up and beg, “go fetch,” and chase and catch a miniature Frisbee.

Can’t you just imagine little children walking their pet rat, with a little pink, studded collar for the girl rats and a blue spiked one for the boy rats. They can knit little sweaters for them to wear in cold weather. I wonder if a pet rat would find irony in a tiny, squeaky toy cat to play with.

The endangered manatees are having a difficult time in Florida right now because of the cold weather. (Manatees cannot survive in sustained water temperatures below 60 degrees.) A Florida Power and Light plant near Cape Canaveral used to discharge warm water from its power generation plant into a canal that the manatees used for refuge during cold weather. That plant is gone, destroyed, reduced to rubble. It will be replaced with a cleaner generation facility in about four years. In the meantime, the company has installed $4.7 million worth of heating equipment at the canal to keep the water warm for the manatees. That will warm the animals hearts, no doubt, and make others wonder if that money couldn’t have been better spent to warm a few of the homeless people in the area.

The cynic in me thought: I’m not sure we can replace the manatees once they are gone, but I’m pretty sure we will never run out of homeless people. Is that being cruel or just realistic?

The last chortle goes to a quote the paper attributed to Conan O’Brien. “Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. The two times are winter and spring.”

Keep smiling.